Here's just a thought that I may or may not expand upon later:

The 'Endads' and 'Adbuster' pop-ups that I get 30 of every day are a lot like the thing where an organised crime guy will approach businesses in the neighbourhood offering 'protection'.

Another sleepy Saturday.

I'm going to be starting a 7pm to 7 am shift Sunday night, so I stayed up very late last night, then slept in until 12:30 today. Ick. Too much sleep and too much tv makes Kirstie something something.

But I'm hoping today won't be a total washout. I'm going to go return last night's movies and maybe pick up another, and maybe I'll do some grocery shopping.

Yes, I live on the edge.

The edge of the middle of nowhere. There's really nothing else to do here, besides leave. Maybe I should sign up for ceramics classes or something. I have to DO something that gets me out of this house.

I stumbled across a blog that I find intriguing. It's a guy who's introspective and quotes people like Kierkegaard and C.S. Lewis and (as far as I can tell from the little I've read so far) is a Christian who appears to be struggling with making that a part of his daily life. I must read more.

I got to a point fairly recently where I thought I was being too introspective - where, whenever I took some time to think deeply about anything, it involved myself, my feelings, my development as a human being. Now, I think I've gone too far in the direction of just not thinking at all abstractly. Ah, well, to strive to be better is to live, is it not?

Okay, so - I lost my temper today at work and I yelled at someone. I apologized, but he's the kind of person who won't accept that as enough.

It's REALLY bothering me. First, that I blew it like that, and second - well, I'm having trouble coming up with second, actually. It bothers me that I lost my temper, that I said something I shouldn't have, that I did it in front of other people, that everyone in the plant will have their opinion of me changed (because you just know it's going to get around)...

This will keep me up tonight.

And that might be what bothers me most!! Why?!? Why am I so _bad_ at dealing with things like this? I've lost sleep for days when faced with other confrontations. It's absolutely ridiculous that it should affect me like this. My stomach is in knots and it has been all day.

Dumb.

I just got back from seeing the apartment in Binbrook. For some reason, this has slightly depressed me.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation. I'm really at a point in my life when I would like a house, but I can't save up while I'm paying off OSAP.

Man, I wish I were better with money. Then I could save up my down payment, and just find a bloody house, instead of this nitpicky, moving from apartment to apartment thing. I'm getting really tired of mvoing every year. It costs a lot of money!

The apartment was pretty good, but I'm not in love with it. For one thing, it's an upstairs apartment, with all that implies. Good - I get the heat from downstairs. Bad - I have to cart everything up a flight of stairs every time I go home. Bad - it's a 26 minute drive (well, 24 minutes maybe) - but that's also good. Good - it's only 10 minutes away from the edge of Hamilton. Bad - it's on a busy street. Bad - there is no yard that I would have access to - just a little strip of grass along the house, beside the gravel driveway. Good - the landlord people seem really, really nice and responsible and open to help in any way. Bad - need $1200 for first and last.

Maybe I should just stick here for another while, and see what comes up. Maybe I'll get a different job. Maybe a house will come up for rent in my price range. I don't know.

Grr.

I just got home.

I went out to lunch with Rosalie and Marissa in St. Catharine's, then tooled all over the Niagara/Hamilton/Burlington region in quest of scrapbooking supplies. I want to do something good with my Paris and Belgium pictures. And after spending that much money on some very basic supplies, I'd better keep taking pictures.

Not a problem.

I also spotted an apartment for rent in Binbrook. It's 2 bedrooms, and the rent is $600/month plus utilities. It bears thinking about. I'm going to be going to see it tomorrow night. I think I'll bring the camera, so I can keep the details fresh.

It's such a hard decision - moving farther away from work seems so backward, but I really don't enjoy living in Dunnville. But will my life change by moving 25 minutes away? The only benefit will be being closer to my cell group - but we haven't even met in months!

But there are other advantages. I'll be closer to amenities - like movie theatres, video rental places, malls, stores etc. I'll have to keep thinking about it. There's a lot to consider. Including the whole rigarmarole of moving - giving notice, having everything moved, changing over utilities. And then I'll be spending more on gas, too. But hopefully less on heating.

I'll leave this decision until after I see the apartment. Maybe I'll love it - maybe I'll hate it. Either way, it will push me in some direction.

Same day, same hour, same chair.

Okay, so now I want to see what I can do with this. Can I put in pictures, for example?

Nope, guess not. Hmm. Idea less appealing. But not completely so. I wonder if there would be a way to do that. I'll have to look into it. But for now, this will do.

It's the start of another summer and I'm still at Bick's. The corporate axe is still swinging, and it's dripping from yesterday's crop. A big one - the plant manager. It kind of puts fear in your heart. But I think that my head is still too low to be removed by a wayward 'thwack'. And would I be terribly upset? Hard to say...yes.

While I would of course mourn the loss of income, it would energize me to find something new, something I enjoy, something where I don't have to check my brain at the door for fear of offending my boss.

Ah, here's something I really, really shouldn't get into. I wouldn't even really know where to start, thank goodness.

For now... for now I am just spending another Friday night at home, alone, about to watch a rented movie - Legally Blonde, at John's suggestion. I've been told to expect pink, but that it's fun. It took John's opinion to get me to watch it, I have to say. I really trust his opinion.

And I miss having a friend that I connect with in the way that he and I do. We don't connect in all ways - there are actually some issues that, when encountered, feel like we're driving over the lump in the road where they paved over the dead deer. But it's the little things - like the fact that he noticed that my signature has changed. Who else would EVER have noticed that, or known that it was true?

A lump in my throat and my eyes bright with unshed tears.

Gag.

But true.

Okay, so here it is.

I've been kind of intrigued by the idea of blogging, I have to admit. The thought of taking my personal musings and incidental thoughts and putting them out there for the world to see is a little scary, but somehow tempting at the same time.

I've just answered a knock at the door. It was two people from the little church across the street. They were doing a survey for their Sunday school. It kind of flopped after the first (and apparently key) question of 'Do you have any children under the age of 12?'. Since my answer was 'no', they apparently had nothing else to say or ask. Interesting. I'm not really interested in going to that church, mainly because it _is_ across the street. If any kind of uncomfortable situation erupts, they know where I am.

Yes. I am paranoid.

And I think that this would be a good time to admit, too, that my biggest fear may be confrontation. For some reason, an uncomfortable situation, a heated argument, hurt feelings - all are reasons to lose sleep, feel ill or be otherwise terribly stressed out. Don't really know why.

So, this seems to be starting out alright.

Who knows? Maybe someday I'll even make this blog public. :-)

It will require heavy editing, methinks.

Maybe.