Monday, September 04, 2006

Le Plus Ca Change

Sometimes there’s too much going on to blog about.

I don’t mean that I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to sit down and think and write. I haven’t been keeping up with vacuuming or banking or clearing the old vegetables out of the crisper, either. And none of it is for want of time. As a matter of fact, I’ve had quite a bit of time at home this week, including the last short Friday of our summer hours, and two shortened workdays. What has really thrown a wrench into my plans and my peace of mind and caused me to pursue a non-stop schedule of programmed distraction in the form of television and internet and to eliminate all moments of quiet and reflection is change.

What do you do when someone removes the framework of your life? How do you go about rebuilding from scratch? Do I want to recreate the same kind of structure, or do I want to take this golden opportunity to examine what I really want to be and what I really want to do? But that introduces the delicate question of what that is.

I’ve always felt somewhat adrift in terms of ambition. My worst interview question is always ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I always give a very malleable, positive answer involving ‘seeing what doors open’ and ‘continuing to be alert for opportunity’ and that’s because I really have no plan. I have never truly had a ‘dream’ for my life. I can’t say that I’ve “always wanted to be” anything in particular. I know that I can be fickle and that my interests tend to wax and wane. So maybe I’m doomed – or blessed – to redesign my life every few years. Or maybe the next job, the next place will click with me in a profound way.

What is exhausting me right now is the need to tell people. Because I told people about the impending changes at work, I now have to tell all those people the results of those changes. And I don’t want people to worry about me. Mainly because I kind of feel like I don’t deserve that worry, that concern, because I haven’t started to take any real actions toward resolving everything for myself, and I haven’t really freaked out about it all yet. So I tell people, and then feel compelled to immediately blurt out, “But I’m fine. Really. I’m good. Things will work out. I’m fine.” Which is all true. But keeping all this maintained is kind of exhausting. At work, I constantly joke about the situation, which at first made people flinch a bit.

So. There. There is what is filling my head and emptying it at the same time. In the meantime, I will be sharing a story of the Geek Kingdom. Soon.

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