Fear.

It really does look like I'm quite likely getting that job in Toronto. Today, Darren basically told me that it's mine if I want it, and the only thing I have to do to reach out and take it is be sociable and show them that I'm excited about the job.

Yikes.

Sociable? With a bunch of very important people I don't know? And excited? About a job that quite frankly scares me? And moving AGAIN?

I can do this. I'm just hoping that they'll help me to move - otherwise I'll need to get a loan. And I hope that the job will hold off until April, so that I don't have to pay rent in both places, as my lease here won't be up yet.

I just keep staring off into space, trying to take it all in. I keep focusing on little, unimportant things - like how I'm splitting cable with my house-neighbour, and what will he do if I'm gone? I'm scared to face the bigger questions - where will I live? Will I enjoy traveling a great deal? Can I be an auditor? How will I handle meeting new people ALL the time?

That's just it, isn't it? Maybe this opportunity is exactly what I need. It will force me to move out of my comfortable little isolation bubble and learn how to interact with other people and be in different places and do difficult things. I've become very lazy in those ways. Guess that'll have to change.

This will be good for me. And I'll get to be behind the scenes of many different factories and see all that goes on - literally. And it's not like I'll be using my own opinions to rate these places - I'll be using laid out standards and principles. I'll see how other places do things and share their knowledge to make the industry overall better by bringing the best practices of all the plants together.

I can do this. I can be good at this.

I can get excited about this.

Thanks.

So now my life is changing again. I feel like I have no life whatsoever - it's wasting away right now. During the week I long for the weekend, then when the weekend comes, I waste it entirely, goofing on the computer, reading fanfic, watching stupid television shows so mindlessly that I don't remember by the end of the commercials what I was watching.

And now this autonomy of being may be disrupted once more - by - what? A move to Toronto. Say it ain't so. I still don't know if I really want the job, or if I just feel obligated to go for it, because it would look odd if I didn't - indicate a lack of ambition or drive.

Eh. Whatever. (see: irony)

At this point, I'll just go with the flow (hate that expression). What will come, will come, and I will deal with it then.

I've decided that I need to have a purpose. I used to have one - several, in fact. But lately, nothing. Since the new year (refuse to call it a 'resolution') I've decided to live more deliberately, with more intention. The problem with that is that I need to have an intention to begin with. So far, all I've achieved is that my house is generally cleaner and I cook more than reheat. Not so much to get excited over.

But right now is a hard time to motivate, too. The world is covered in an icy slick. An unbroken expanse of whiteness obliterates the landscape, leaving so little detail that I can't even be sure that I'm on the road.One thing that did delight me this morning was a leaf. Such a small thing. As I drove (crept) carefully along River Road (I love that I take a road called 'River Road' to work) I saw a small dark blur of movement crack the whiteness in front of me. A small, shrivelled and withered brown leaf fluttered across the roadway, tugged along by the wind. It seemed to me to be a brave and fortunate object - somehow escaped from the depths of cold and snow that have locked the world in bleakness.

Small things. A good start, I think.