Fear.

It really does look like I'm quite likely getting that job in Toronto. Today, Darren basically told me that it's mine if I want it, and the only thing I have to do to reach out and take it is be sociable and show them that I'm excited about the job.

Yikes.

Sociable? With a bunch of very important people I don't know? And excited? About a job that quite frankly scares me? And moving AGAIN?

I can do this. I'm just hoping that they'll help me to move - otherwise I'll need to get a loan. And I hope that the job will hold off until April, so that I don't have to pay rent in both places, as my lease here won't be up yet.

I just keep staring off into space, trying to take it all in. I keep focusing on little, unimportant things - like how I'm splitting cable with my house-neighbour, and what will he do if I'm gone? I'm scared to face the bigger questions - where will I live? Will I enjoy traveling a great deal? Can I be an auditor? How will I handle meeting new people ALL the time?

That's just it, isn't it? Maybe this opportunity is exactly what I need. It will force me to move out of my comfortable little isolation bubble and learn how to interact with other people and be in different places and do difficult things. I've become very lazy in those ways. Guess that'll have to change.

This will be good for me. And I'll get to be behind the scenes of many different factories and see all that goes on - literally. And it's not like I'll be using my own opinions to rate these places - I'll be using laid out standards and principles. I'll see how other places do things and share their knowledge to make the industry overall better by bringing the best practices of all the plants together.

I can do this. I can be good at this.

I can get excited about this.

Thanks.

So now my life is changing again. I feel like I have no life whatsoever - it's wasting away right now. During the week I long for the weekend, then when the weekend comes, I waste it entirely, goofing on the computer, reading fanfic, watching stupid television shows so mindlessly that I don't remember by the end of the commercials what I was watching.

And now this autonomy of being may be disrupted once more - by - what? A move to Toronto. Say it ain't so. I still don't know if I really want the job, or if I just feel obligated to go for it, because it would look odd if I didn't - indicate a lack of ambition or drive.

Eh. Whatever. (see: irony)

At this point, I'll just go with the flow (hate that expression). What will come, will come, and I will deal with it then.

I've decided that I need to have a purpose. I used to have one - several, in fact. But lately, nothing. Since the new year (refuse to call it a 'resolution') I've decided to live more deliberately, with more intention. The problem with that is that I need to have an intention to begin with. So far, all I've achieved is that my house is generally cleaner and I cook more than reheat. Not so much to get excited over.

But right now is a hard time to motivate, too. The world is covered in an icy slick. An unbroken expanse of whiteness obliterates the landscape, leaving so little detail that I can't even be sure that I'm on the road.One thing that did delight me this morning was a leaf. Such a small thing. As I drove (crept) carefully along River Road (I love that I take a road called 'River Road' to work) I saw a small dark blur of movement crack the whiteness in front of me. A small, shrivelled and withered brown leaf fluttered across the roadway, tugged along by the wind. It seemed to me to be a brave and fortunate object - somehow escaped from the depths of cold and snow that have locked the world in bleakness.

Small things. A good start, I think.

So today I went to Toronto.

Very exciting. I'm becoming very close to the warehouse supervisor there. But today wasn't so bad. The drive there was actually quite nice, with the ponds and the trees all multi-hued rust tones. I just will never get used to Toronto traffic, once you're off the 407. Ugh.

But finally I'm home, and I can relax for an evening. Then tomorrow I really have to get stuck into my coursework. I'm very much looking forward to my boss coming back from his parental leave now - maybe I can leave on time a few days in a row. Well, actually - now that I think of it, he keeps me there late more than I keep myself there late. Ah, well.

The headhunter is still relentlessly trying to get me down to Tilsonburg for an interview. I'm just not that excited about it, and I can't imagine the manager down there is just biting his nails, hoping I can make it down so that he can offer me a $70,000 job and pay for me to move. Really. Tilsonburg.

Time for me to go get out of these disgusting clothes. My pants are crusted with dried soup, and my shirt is liberally engrained with dust and grime from the warehouse. I just feel dirty. Yay for lazy Friday nights!

I'm getting very, very excited about the new apartment. I'm really worried about money, though. A couple of people at work were supposed to go to a conference next month, and it was kaiboshed by the higher-ups - and it had been budgeted! So, if a little $2000 trip is being rejected, then I really, really can't see a substantial raise being approved. Ick.

But enough about that. I'm getting a new apartment! With new, clean rooms and an intact ceiling, and laundry! I just hope I can afford it...

Okay, now the worry is overcoming the excitement. Must not allow it!

I've been trying to visualize the layout in the new place - where to put the bed, how to set up the living room and the spare room, and what's going to be going straight downstairs into storage.

I have too much stuff. I think eventually I'll maybe get rid of the big kitchen table and replace it with a side bench and some stools. Maybe I can sell the table at the September yard sale.

Okay, this is pointless. Excitement, hope, worry, panic, anxiety, then back to excitement. I feel that the next week and a half are going not going to be very restful.

Well, I've done it. I am now confirmed to be moving into a new apartment in Binbrook on April 15th. I'm excited and scared. Excited, because I'm getting out of a place I've come to absolutely hate (not a place to call 'home'). Scared, because I know that it's more than I can really afford comfortably. IF I get a decent raise in May, all will be well. But with all the excitement at work, I don't want to count on that.

I am enjoying my time in Windsor. Just being away from my apartment is an enormous weight off my shoulders. And knowing that I will be free soon after returning also imbues good feelings.

I really like spending time in Windsor. Seeing people like Chrys and John, hanging out, just watching rented movies or playing cards are small delights that I really, really miss. I'm hoping that I start to spend some time with (non-work) people now that I'm living closer to some friends like Leanne and Timothy. And Cell will be a breeze, now that I'm living so close to Hamilton. I can even host! If I can figure out where people can park...

I think I'll ask Brent (new landlord) if I can stop by on the way back on Tuesday, to take a closer look at the apartment. I'd like to be able to do some measuring and planning with a good idea of what I can and can't do. I really am worried about finances - I'll have to be quite careful from here on in.

But for now, I'm just going to be excited about a new apartment. Putting up my pictures, setting up my furniture, storing things and organizing things. I have a lot to do in the next few weeks.

But it's all GOOD. :-)

I'm trying to make peace with where I am right now.

It's especially difficult, as when I came home, I could see that the neighbours had been in my backyard and garage, and they had shoveled all their snow up against my door so that I couldn't get into my home.

But I think I'm going to be okay. I prayed about it, which is something I haven't been doing much for a while. I realise how much I've changed since I've been 'apart' from God - since I stopped maintaining the relationship I had with Him. I used to know His voice, and - well, the only word I can think of here is 'nourish' - I used to be nourished by that relationship, and by prayer. And now, I have a much shorter temper, and less tolerance, and I'm petty at times. I hate that. I'm hoping that this might be the time that sticks, but time will tell...

I've only looked at one apartment so far. Rose gave me a copy of the Welland paper for this past weekend's listings, but I haven't done anything with them yet. I like the one I looked at, but the price is a bit high, and it's on a main road, which I'm not crazy about.

For now, it's all about making peace within. Cheesy, but true.

Well, I did it.

Sort of.

I told my landlady that I was going to be looking for a new place to live in the near future. I told her that I'm not giving my "two months' notice", but that I would give her all the notice required once I know where/when I'm going.

They're in the driveway again.

But let's not think about that right now. Which means I also can't go outside or look out the window. It was especially fun tonight, as I had a trunk full of groceries to bring in, tramping them through the house.

But we're not paying any attention to that.

Today is finally almost kinda warm. It's another thing I'm trying not to get too enthusiastic about - it's almost certain that there'll be another few snowfalls before winter has truly released its grip. But for now, I'll enjoy today.

Something a bit amusing happened at the grocery store. I was in the 'juice' section, picking out some frozen lime-ade concentrate (fab stuff), and there was a good 'oldie' song playing on the store radio. I was kind of humming along, and then gradually noticed that the girl cleaning the shelves nearby was quietly singing along, too. Then I noticed that some guy in the frozen foods section was almost belting out the lyrics. It felt like a very 'the world is in a good mood today' moment. I couldn't help but smile.

I am beat. I had to do the same trial three times yesterday, and still ended up with unsatisfactory results. And I ended up staying until almost 6:00, then going back in from 8 until 9:30. Then I was too keyed up to get to bed right away etc. etc. etc. Tired. One of those days when every time I sit down I have to hold up my head because it feels too heavy to stay up on its own.

Time to go cuddle with the cat and pretend the world outside the window doesn't exist.

I am so angry right now. I'm sick and tired of the people in the upstairs apartment - their guests are now parked in the driveway, blocking it so that I can't park in MY DRIVEWAY!!! They're so inconsiderate!! And I'm guessing that Anne is going to call tonight about March's rent. So, I'll most likely tell her that I'm leaving this apartment. It's not worth the aggravation. People going into my backyard, and even into my garage and taking things out and using them and leaving them out in the rain! I don't understand how people can think that this is okay! I'm so uncomfortable in this apartment. I feel like I have no privacy - people are constantly walking by my windows - that's not their fault, but it makes me uncomfortable. Then, just about every day, someone is parked in the driveway - blocking me in or out. I don't know how they think this is okay!!?!?!?

I'm sitting in the living room, wearing my coat, so that I don't sit down and settle in, because I have to go out and MOVE MY CAR INTO MY OWN FREAKING DRIVEWAY as soon as that bloody car moves. And it's doubly annoying, because the car is right outside my window - I can't look outside without seeing it.

And they've put a bloody great COUCH out on the side of the road. I'll bet that when the garbage collectors don't pick it up tomorrow morning, they'll put it into MY garage. It makes me want to scream with anger and cry with frustration. How hard is it to respect other peoples' boundaries? Really? I'm not asking for much, here, I don't think.

I'm not comfortable going up to their apartment and asking them to move the car - and I shouldn't have to.

I've never been comfortable in this apartment. I'm sorry I ever moved in.

Now I'm moving out.

And so another week begins.

Had a decent weekend - a lazy Saturday, movie rental, and then Sunday some shopping, then a movie (Dirty Dancing Havana Nights) and dinner with Rose, Marissa and Jen.

One regret - I didn't go to my discussion group on Friday. I had originally planned to leave work early, so that I could have a nap and be somewhat alert that night. But with the trials at work, and with Darren not there because he was sick, I couldn't leave early at all - ended up leaving late. And I was beat - again. Stupid. You'd think I was 60, and not 28!

Anyway, this week is one that I'm finding challenging to be positive about. One tech on vacation, and one tech training leaves me to do one and sometimes two lines - and today the line did NOT go smoothly. Lots of little problems. And lots of big ones, too. And stupid people who were not being helpful at all. I didn't let myself get mad at the time, but it's starting to come through. I called one person to let him know about the problems, and he hung up on me and called my boss to complain about me. Wow. Sounds even worse when I type it out, doesn't it? So, thanks to him and the other 'production' supervisor (talk about an ironic title), we now have a great deal of very valuable garbage sitting in the warehouse.

Whatever. 'Havana Nights' was about what I expected - a fun movie, not terrible, not terribly great. But an hour-and-a-half diversion. And fun to see with friends. Some bad actors, some good dancers, some bad scenes, some good music. Enjoyable.

Today was a tease of spring. It wasn't warm, but the bite was gone from the cold. And everything is melting, forming little pools of incredibly clear water surrounded by slick ice. Gives one hope, it does.

So, back to the grind. Well, not even the 'real' grind - it's still shutdown. But back to the plant and to the gossip and intrigues. It's so hard not to get caught up in the almost 'mob mentality' of gossip and such. When you don't like a person, or find fault with them, and someone else starts to complain about them, it's almost impossible not to chime in your own story or opinion. Definitely something I need to work on.

Not much to say about today - definitely not one of the most exciting ones. It is, however, a wonderfully sunny day - the snow is melting all over, and you can smell the heat inside the building at work, as it beats upon the windows.

No word yet on the house for rent. Still trying really hard not to be too hopeful. But it's hard. Half of the enjoyment of life is the anticip... pation of what's coming. Of course, the same can be said of half of the misery of life, too.

Well, I should go pay some attention to the cat before he starts eating the houseplants out of spite for being ignored. Happy Wednesday.

More travelling - today to Toronto to visit our glass (jars) supplier, the tech centre, and two warehouses. With the exception of the glass company, not an exciting day.

But the glass company just about made up for the lack of excitement. That place is incredible! Slugs of molten glass shooting about like something from a science fiction movie. And the heat in some places! It's one thing to know that making glass means high temperatures, and another to actually see the flames shooting out of the little window, and feel the heat buffeting you from the furnace.It was a good time.

The car ride wasn't bad, but it was a car ride with six other people - I feel drained right about now. Thank goodness for leftovers. One other positive thing about today - a friend from work told me about a house in Welland a friend of hers is looking to rent out for a good price - this could be promising. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high - I'm getting tired of disappointment. But it sounds perfect for me. No! Hopes must be low...

Found out that my papa's memorial luncheon went well. People were talking about him - memories and stories. Makes me really wish I'd gone, now. I never really got to know him as a person other than 'my crabby grandfather'. I know that there must have been more to him, but he was so unhappy that it was difficult to learn much about him by speaking to him. I'm hoping that going through the old pictures will be enlightening - I'm really looking forward to that. I hope that I can do something good with the photos - make them really usable for everyone. Sitting in boxes like they were, they weren't of much use.

Well, I'm going to play with the movies I took today. I'm hoping I can string them together into one - maybe put some music with them, since all the sound is is a big roar in the background.

Now what kind of music is good for a glass factory?

Today we went on a 'field trip'. We went to the tank farm in Delhi to see how things are done there - not a bad time. It's kind of nice to get out of the plant and see other things with your work people. And tomorrow we're going to Toronto for another field trip - to our glass supplier and the tech centre.

Ain't life a blast?

Anyway, had a good weekend, overall - a couple of friends over Friday evening for pasta, chocolate fondue, and goofing around. Just about all the rest of the weekend was spent on the computer, playing games, and watching tv. Ick. But cheap!

And having people over made me have to give the house at least a cursory cleaning - it's really so much pleasanter now that I can walk in a straight line through the living room, and don't have overflowing garbage cans of junk mail. Must do this more often.

Talking to John on Trillian right now. Nice to catch up - and talking with John is always interesting - an intriguing combination of connection and complete dissociation. My best friend - same sense of humour, lots of inside jokes and all, but he's also one of my friends who seems to dash all over the world. I never know where half these people are. But it's all good - at least I can effectively live vicariously through them - Brussels, Vienna, Korea, Japan, Thailand, Mongolia. Man.

BLOGGER
Here's something I should have thought of yesterday - people who are allergic to things should know what those things look like.

I spent some time outside today, pulling these massive weeds out of the front yard. Getting pollen, dirt and other assorted 'outside' detritus on my face, in my clothes, in my hair. Suddenly, and without warning (except that little niggling 'What are you - stupid?' voice in the back of my head) I started suffering the most massive allergy attack of my personal history. Sneezing, eyes pouring years, throat swollen and raw. Luckily, I was wearing contacts, which seem to have prevented my usual worst symptom of itchy-like-hell eyes. After I came inside and recovered for a little while, I looked up what I'd been handling. I was pulling ragweed and carrying it around my yard!

I deserve what I get.

Interesting. I look back and see that the last time I posted anything, it was the day before we started our 12-hour shifts. And now it's only a few days until we go back to our 8's. Mixed feelings. No more 4 days off at a time, but also no more stretches of days when I feel like I don't even live in my apartment. This last time I came off my 4 on, I felt like I'd been away. I missed my cat. I couldn't remember putting things where I found them. Just odd.

This stretch is another boring, nothing going on kind of 4 off. Today is laundry and groceries, and maybe some more Buffy season 3 watching. My goal is to not turn on the TV until the evening. Stupid box is sucking my life away. My fault. I actually made a list of other things I can do. I seem to have this need to be perpetually entertained lately. I can't seem to do anything without something going on to amuse me.

The seasons are turning again and my favourite time is back. I love the autumn so much that it causes me to get all gooshy inside when I step out into a particularly perfect fall day. The smells, the sounds, and most of all the sights. The sun shines less harshly, the wind feels playful, as if it, too, is winding down after a hectic season, and is now glad of the time to play and move about in the coolness, flinging leaves about in cheerful patterns.

My heaven will be mostly autumn.

But there will also have to be the first snowy winter evening when the silence is palpable and tactile. When every sound seems amplified by the silence and by the perfect, still blanket that covers all the ugliness of the dying year. When the snow lies in small heaps, taking away all harsh edges and corners and leaving a smooth, softer world.

And a spring day when you can feel the earth stirring, awakening in smells of earth and water, with the first buds appearing and every crocus a miracle. When you don't know how to dress, because you feel the warmth as a delicious contrast that makes it seem balmy and comforting and invites you to shed your layers of wool and let your skin feel the sun's rays.

And a summer day full of warmth, when the air smells dry and carries on it the scents of dried grass and the songs of the crickets and the frogs swell into an outlandish and delightful cacophony of sound as darkness falls.

Here's just a thought that I may or may not expand upon later:

The 'Endads' and 'Adbuster' pop-ups that I get 30 of every day are a lot like the thing where an organised crime guy will approach businesses in the neighbourhood offering 'protection'.

Another sleepy Saturday.

I'm going to be starting a 7pm to 7 am shift Sunday night, so I stayed up very late last night, then slept in until 12:30 today. Ick. Too much sleep and too much tv makes Kirstie something something.

But I'm hoping today won't be a total washout. I'm going to go return last night's movies and maybe pick up another, and maybe I'll do some grocery shopping.

Yes, I live on the edge.

The edge of the middle of nowhere. There's really nothing else to do here, besides leave. Maybe I should sign up for ceramics classes or something. I have to DO something that gets me out of this house.

I stumbled across a blog that I find intriguing. It's a guy who's introspective and quotes people like Kierkegaard and C.S. Lewis and (as far as I can tell from the little I've read so far) is a Christian who appears to be struggling with making that a part of his daily life. I must read more.

I got to a point fairly recently where I thought I was being too introspective - where, whenever I took some time to think deeply about anything, it involved myself, my feelings, my development as a human being. Now, I think I've gone too far in the direction of just not thinking at all abstractly. Ah, well, to strive to be better is to live, is it not?

Okay, so - I lost my temper today at work and I yelled at someone. I apologized, but he's the kind of person who won't accept that as enough.

It's REALLY bothering me. First, that I blew it like that, and second - well, I'm having trouble coming up with second, actually. It bothers me that I lost my temper, that I said something I shouldn't have, that I did it in front of other people, that everyone in the plant will have their opinion of me changed (because you just know it's going to get around)...

This will keep me up tonight.

And that might be what bothers me most!! Why?!? Why am I so _bad_ at dealing with things like this? I've lost sleep for days when faced with other confrontations. It's absolutely ridiculous that it should affect me like this. My stomach is in knots and it has been all day.

Dumb.

I just got back from seeing the apartment in Binbrook. For some reason, this has slightly depressed me.

I feel like I'm in a hopeless situation. I'm really at a point in my life when I would like a house, but I can't save up while I'm paying off OSAP.

Man, I wish I were better with money. Then I could save up my down payment, and just find a bloody house, instead of this nitpicky, moving from apartment to apartment thing. I'm getting really tired of mvoing every year. It costs a lot of money!

The apartment was pretty good, but I'm not in love with it. For one thing, it's an upstairs apartment, with all that implies. Good - I get the heat from downstairs. Bad - I have to cart everything up a flight of stairs every time I go home. Bad - it's a 26 minute drive (well, 24 minutes maybe) - but that's also good. Good - it's only 10 minutes away from the edge of Hamilton. Bad - it's on a busy street. Bad - there is no yard that I would have access to - just a little strip of grass along the house, beside the gravel driveway. Good - the landlord people seem really, really nice and responsible and open to help in any way. Bad - need $1200 for first and last.

Maybe I should just stick here for another while, and see what comes up. Maybe I'll get a different job. Maybe a house will come up for rent in my price range. I don't know.

Grr.

I just got home.

I went out to lunch with Rosalie and Marissa in St. Catharine's, then tooled all over the Niagara/Hamilton/Burlington region in quest of scrapbooking supplies. I want to do something good with my Paris and Belgium pictures. And after spending that much money on some very basic supplies, I'd better keep taking pictures.

Not a problem.

I also spotted an apartment for rent in Binbrook. It's 2 bedrooms, and the rent is $600/month plus utilities. It bears thinking about. I'm going to be going to see it tomorrow night. I think I'll bring the camera, so I can keep the details fresh.

It's such a hard decision - moving farther away from work seems so backward, but I really don't enjoy living in Dunnville. But will my life change by moving 25 minutes away? The only benefit will be being closer to my cell group - but we haven't even met in months!

But there are other advantages. I'll be closer to amenities - like movie theatres, video rental places, malls, stores etc. I'll have to keep thinking about it. There's a lot to consider. Including the whole rigarmarole of moving - giving notice, having everything moved, changing over utilities. And then I'll be spending more on gas, too. But hopefully less on heating.

I'll leave this decision until after I see the apartment. Maybe I'll love it - maybe I'll hate it. Either way, it will push me in some direction.

Same day, same hour, same chair.

Okay, so now I want to see what I can do with this. Can I put in pictures, for example?

Nope, guess not. Hmm. Idea less appealing. But not completely so. I wonder if there would be a way to do that. I'll have to look into it. But for now, this will do.

It's the start of another summer and I'm still at Bick's. The corporate axe is still swinging, and it's dripping from yesterday's crop. A big one - the plant manager. It kind of puts fear in your heart. But I think that my head is still too low to be removed by a wayward 'thwack'. And would I be terribly upset? Hard to say...yes.

While I would of course mourn the loss of income, it would energize me to find something new, something I enjoy, something where I don't have to check my brain at the door for fear of offending my boss.

Ah, here's something I really, really shouldn't get into. I wouldn't even really know where to start, thank goodness.

For now... for now I am just spending another Friday night at home, alone, about to watch a rented movie - Legally Blonde, at John's suggestion. I've been told to expect pink, but that it's fun. It took John's opinion to get me to watch it, I have to say. I really trust his opinion.

And I miss having a friend that I connect with in the way that he and I do. We don't connect in all ways - there are actually some issues that, when encountered, feel like we're driving over the lump in the road where they paved over the dead deer. But it's the little things - like the fact that he noticed that my signature has changed. Who else would EVER have noticed that, or known that it was true?

A lump in my throat and my eyes bright with unshed tears.

Gag.

But true.